IELTS Essay Evaluation

Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Sample IELTS Essay Evaluation

Although many people believe that the sole purpose of a museum is to educate people about history and culture, while (1. GR issue) others want museums to be a place of entertainment so that young people can be attracted to them. I firmly believe that some educating as well as entertaining games could help people in learning about their ancient history in a joyful fashion. (2) (In learning = learn. Write in fewer words. Also, why restrict your response to ANCIENT history only?)

1. It is incorrect to use “Although” and “While” constructions in the same sentence. The correct sentence, in this context, is: “While many believe that museums are meant to teach history and culture, others prefer them (= museums) as a source of entertainment for youngsters.” Listen to voice notes shared via WhatsApp. Note the use of pronouns as referencing device.
2. Education + Entertainment = Amalgamation/ merger. “I firmly believe that the amalgamation of the two functions will help people learn about history in a joyful fashion.“

On the one hand, there is a group of people who consider museums as a place of learning about cultures and visualizing a glimpse of history. (You’ve already MENTIONED this in the introduction. This sentence is the same as the first sentence of the introduction. This will cost you bands in LR. Just begin with HISTORY.) Clearly, museums are the only source of visualizing the fragments of history that have been carefully preserved for posterity. They are vital for the identity of cultures and traditions (Humans have an identity. Cultures do not. LR issue. Wrong choice of words.) since they are evidence (MUSEUMS are not an EVIDENCE. Artefacts preserved in them are. LR issue.) of what was (Wrong tense. GR issue) happened in the past and how any a civilization evolved. (3) Moreover, students can also get help from museums to validate their study which they acquire (You can acquire knowledge but not study. The correct construction should be “to validate the events they have read in books“) from books so that they can enhance their knowledge and score well in exams. (Coherence issue: How does VALIDATION improve their knowledge and enhance their score? Cohesion issue since the IDEA is not well explained.) Thus, museums help people to know about their history and also aid students in their academics.

3. Note that you have not explained the first point (visualizing history) and moved to the second point (identity). This will cost you bands incoherence as you MUST explain the point you’ve raised earlier to build a strong argument. “Clearly, museums are the only source of visualizing the fragments of history that have been carefully preserved for posterity. While history books can teach about events through text, museums are the only place where we can watch the past events through the lens of artifacts such as clothes, pottery, utensils, and weapons of the people who lived in an era. For example, in the National Museum of Egypt, we can see the pieces of bricks that ancient Egyptians used to build homes and bridges.”

On another the other hand, there is a school of thought who (4) considers (Subject-verb disagreement) museums boring and wants (subject-verb disagreement. GR issue.) them to be a place of entertainment. (How can a SCHOOL of thought find something boring? Humans can. This seems weird.) (5) If they remain uninterested (6) are not interesting to people, then nobody would bother to visit them and will eventually lose a chance to know about their (Wrong pronoun. NOBODY = singular. THEIR = plural. A plural pronoun can’t refer to a singular noun. GR issue. In fact, there is no need of a pronoun here. The sentence is complete even without that.) history. It is borne out by the study conducted by Times magazine that ninety percent of people never visited visit (NEVER = true in the past, present and future. The correct tense in this context is not the past tense but the simple present tense.) museums since they consider them dull. Hence, in order to attract people, some role-playing games can be played (avoid repeating words.) employed there (of course they are employed in museums.) which would increase the footfall. (7)

4. Wrong pronoun. The correct pronoun to refer to a non-living thing *SCHOOL of thought” is “WHICH.” Also, “SCHOOL” is singular. So, you should write “CONSIDERS”

5. Note that there is no CONNECTION (coherence) with the previous paragraph. Also, this sentence is similar to the first sentence of the introduction. Let me show a way of connecting the two paragraphs. “Despite their educational benefits, (link with the previous paragraph) museums needs to be interesting the attract crowds and remain economically viable.”

6. Wrong use of “uninterested”. Uninterested = not interested. Only HUMANS can afford to be NOT INTERESTED in something. Non-living things can’t do that. They do not have emotions to express interest.

7. Your response is too general. Make it more specific. What do you mean by “role-playing games”? Can you give a few examples? The City Museum of Singapore, for instance, engages students every year to act in various war scenes of the country’s independence movement. The scenes of war between the colonial British forces and the Singapore National Army attracts huge crowds.

To recapitulate, I believe the entire purpose of museums ought to be educating (avoid weird constructions. These do not fetch you bands. Rather, they carry the seeds of a possible mistake.) is to educate people which can also be achieved via some entertaining games.

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Sample IELTS Essay Evaluation

 

Due to globalization, the (You’re not referring to SPECIFIC cultures. The use of the article “the” is incorrect. GR.) different cultures start overlapping and people start begin (word repetition in the same stem. LR.) wearing the same type of clothing (people begin wearing similar clothes). While some people consider this as a progressive development, others believe that this trend is dangerous for the diversity of cultures. I agree with the former view because it brings people from different origins together and made makes (Parallelism issue – GR. “IT” does 2 things – brings and makes.) them easy to gel.

To commence with, (You’ve already commenced with the introduction. Please do not use the standard phrases given in the usual IELTS books. This cramming will reduce your score.) the trend of similar type of attire is more prevalent in the urban cities (cities are urban. These are never rural. LR issue.) due to the employment provided by multinational companies. Since these organizations are international, so (do not use “so” with “since”. The cause and effect statement is structured as: “Since X, Y”.) they expect their employees to wear the same attire such as formal clothing like their foreign clients. (1) With a similar fashion sense, it is easy to develop (You’re not developing a sense of fashion. Just use a pronoun to refer to the developments in the previous sentence.) It ensures proper understanding and trust among the employees and with (2) the clients since they don’t feel alienated. For example, a potential client would be reluctant to do business with those who wear traditional clothing because it will show the cultural gap. (You can write better by being more specific.) For example, a French client visiting a Japanese factory will invariably feel comfortable in discussing business only if everyone follows the same cultural norms in terms of dress, food and language.

1. To score better, you can structure this sentence with a different set of words. “Since these organisations operate in multiple countries, they demand their employees to follow the same dress code.“

2. You can’t develop trust AMONG two things. AMONG is used in context of more than 2 things. EMPLOYEES can be more than 2. Either write: “trust between employees and clients” or “trust umping employees and with clients.”

Moreover, similar clothing could save one from the (You’re not referring to a specific type of racial discrimination. GR.) racial discrimination if he lives in a foreign country. Some people, especially natives, (3) cause harm to others if they find another person of different by race, color, and dressing style. Thus, for safety purpose, it is crucial for an individual to avoid wearing its (wrong pronoun to refer to a human being) his ethnic wear so that he could easy gel in public. For an instance, the (You’re referring to ALL international students and not a specific set. The use of this pronoun is incorrect.) international students easily caught catch attention due to distinguishable ethnic attire and are, (poor connection between clauses. Connect the two using “AND”) thus, more susceptible to racism. (4)

3. “especially natives” is not a part of the main sentence. This is just an example of “some people”. It needs to be separated from the main sentence using two commas. GR issue.

4. This is not a strong example. You need to learn the art of writing specific examples. “For instance, wearing a rural Indian dhoti-kurta or a traditional Japanese Kimono in New York can attract racial slurs due to relatively strange clothing style for the natives.“

To recapitulate, I believe the trend of people carrying same outfits is positive because it facilitates ease of business and provides safety from racial discrimination. 

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Sample Answer evaluation

Over the span of the last two centuries, the advances in science, especially in medical science, are the most significant in the world. However, (Wrong use of “However” – 1) some people opine that advances in the other critical fields like computer science and technology are outstanding. I disagree with them and believes believe (subject-verb disagreement) that breakthroughs in health science made an enormous impact on human life span and quality of life.

1. “However” is used to express contrast within a context. Example: Eating sugar gives instant energy; however, it causes diabetes in the long run. Here, you are not expressing contrast within the same context. The correct sentence structure should be: “Though some people opine that compeer science has revolutionized the modern world, I believe that medical science has made a greater impact by increasing longevity and quality of life.”

Due to the (This is NOT specific research you’re talking about) continued research in medical science, scientists (2) are able to invent new life-saving drugs and other medicines which prolong human life. These drugs (Tenses mistake. GR.) are were absent in ancient times due to which the mortality rate even at the age of 30 was very low high (Mortality = death; Also, the mortality rate of whom? At what age?). In the 16th century, millions of people were (Tenses mistake. GR.) died due to Egyptian flu since they didn’t have the access to these drugs antibiotics, and antiviral drugs (make your response more specific. This also helps you avoid repetition of the word “drug” and improved LR score.). Whereas, a million lives have been saved by injections such as Remdesivir to fight against from new newly (Emerged = verb. Only an adverb can qualify it.) emerged novel Coronavirus.

2. A subtle but important point. “Scientists” do research in medical science through which they make inventions. Your sentence seems to express those scientists make inventions DUE TO the research of someone else. Correct structure: “With continuous research in medical science, scientists …..” Need to change the modifier’s structure.

Moreover, medical science is doing great in increasing (A more appropriate word in the context of “quality of life” is IMPROVING) the quality of life of patients especially in the field of prosthetics. With the help of artificial limbs, people (Which people? “physically disabled people”) can live a normal life and are, thus, contributing contribute (do not change tense form. This violates the “rules of parallelism”. LIVE is parallel to CONTRIBUTE.) equally to society. They are no longer dependent on others to live their life. For instance, drivers who lost their legs in severe accidents are working normally with the help of motion-sensor operated prosthetics and are driving vehicles despite their disability. Hence, advances in medical science are aiding people like these to improve their lives. (This sentence does not add any value and merely counts as a repetition of the ideas expressed earlier. Leave the conclusion for the last paragraph.)

In conclusion, I firmly believe that breakthroughs in the field of medicine and prosthetics have decreased the mortality rate and have improved quality of life of people by miles and can be considered as the most significant advances in this (“Contemporary” includes the word “this”. Contemporary world = this world.) contemporary world.

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Sample Answer evaluation

While recruiting for a job, many recruiters employers (avoid repeating the word ‘recruit‘.) ask the applicants for personal information such as personal (unnecessary + repetition) interests, hobbies, and relationship status. Although some people argue that such information is entirely irrelevant to the company as it has no direct relation with the work output, others believe that it can be useful to judge the personality and responsibilities of an individual. I favor the latter view.

Hobbies and interests reveal the true identity of an individual. If a person is involved in sports activities such as football or cricket, it means he is physically active and energetic. Such individuals often have a sharp response to the office work and are able to complete their tasks in time. Moreover, knowing the marital status of the job applicants helps the company to judge the family responsibilities on them, which enables them to predict helps in predicting (pronoun usage. One pronoun can refer to one noun only. Avoid the former pronoun to prevent confusion.) their availability for over-time or work-emergency situations. Many startups hire people who are willing to work extra-time and can attend calls after their work-time. So, they prefer recruiting people who are single.

On the other hand, some people think that this personal information is of no use. Interests and hobbies have no impact on the performance of an individual. If an employee is interested in arts and another employee likes playing cricket, you cannot judge their work-passion on the basic basis of the type of their hobbies hobby. Additionally, applicants with marital status as single do not ensure his extra-time availability as he can have a busy daily routine may not devote extra time to the company as he may be more interested in pursuing his hobbies than spending time with clients. A single individual could may have daily hangout plans with his friends, while a married person can have more time as he stays home most of the time. Thus, relationship status is not a criterion for such judgments.

To recapitulate, I believe while personal information is not an efficient criteria criterion for work performance, it can help an employer help the employer to get some useful insights into the personality traits of an individual.

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