Earlier, people wore clothes which were related to their culture but now they wear the same type of clothes all over the world. Is this a positive or negative development?
IELTS Essay Correction: Clothes Related To Culture.
Sample IELTS Essay Evaluation
Due to globalization, the (You’re not referring to SPECIFIC cultures. The use of the article “the” is incorrect. GR.) different cultures start overlapping and people start begin (word repetition in the same stem. LR.) wearing the same type of clothing (people begin wearing similar clothes). While some people consider this as a progressive development, others believe that this trend is dangerous for the diversity of cultures. I agree with the former view because it brings people from different origins together and made makes (Parallelism issue – GR. “IT” does 2 things – brings and makes.) them easy to gel.
To commence with, (You’ve already commenced with the introduction. Please do not use the standard phrases given in the usual IELTS books. This cramming will reduce your score.) the trend of similar type of attire is more prevalent in the urban cities (cities are urban. These are never rural. LR issue.) due to the employment provided by multinational companies. Since these organizations are international, so (do not use “so” with “since”. The cause and effect statement is structured as: “Since X, Y”.) they expect their employees to wear the same attire such as formal clothing like their foreign clients. (1) With a similar fashion sense, it is easy to develop (You’re not developing a sense of fashion. Just use a pronoun to refer to the developments in the previous sentence.) It ensures proper understanding and trust among the employees and with (2) the clients since they don’t feel alienated. For example, a potential client would be reluctant to do business with those who wear traditional clothing because it will show the cultural gap. (You can write better by being more specific.) For example, a French client visiting a Japanese factory will invariably feel comfortable in discussing business only if everyone follows the same cultural norms in terms of dress, food and language.
1. To score better, you can structure this sentence with a different set of words. “Since these organisations operate in multiple countries, they demand their employees to follow the same dress code.“
2. You can’t develop trust AMONG two things. AMONG is used in context of more than 2 things. EMPLOYEES can be more than 2. Either write: “trust between employees and clients” or “trust umping employees and with clients.”
Moreover, similar clothing could save one from the (You’re not referring to a specific type of racial discrimination. GR.) racial discrimination if he lives in a foreign country. Some people, especially natives, (3) cause harm to others if they find another person of different by race, color, and dressing style. Thus, for safety purpose, it is crucial for an individual to avoid wearing its (wrong pronoun to refer to a human being) his ethnic wear so that he could easy gel in public. For an instance, the (You’re referring to ALL international students and not a specific set. The use of this pronoun is incorrect.) international students easily caught catch attention due to distinguishable ethnic attire and are, (poor connection between clauses. Connect the two using “AND”) thus, more susceptible to racism. (4)
3. “especially natives” is not a part of the main sentence. This is just an example of “some people”. It needs to be separated from the main sentence using two commas. GR issue.
4. This is not a strong example. You need to learn the art of writing specific examples. “For instance, wearing a rural Indian dhoti-kurta or a traditional Japanese Kimono in New York can attract racial slurs due to relatively strange clothing style for the natives.“
To recapitulate, I believe the trend of people carrying same outfits is positive because it facilitates ease of business and provides safety from racial discrimination.
